Twitter-ready insights on marketing follies

A picture is worth a thousand words, but not every one of my observations is worth a full column. Or so my editors tell me. Most, however, are worth at least 140 characters. With that in mind, and to help ring in 2012, I proudly present my Twitter-ready views, insights, unsolicited tidbits of advice and meaningless random thoughts on the absurdities of modern marketing.

If the USPS halts Saturday delivery, how will I fill weekend time now spent separating the bills I plan to pay online from the junk mail I’m going to toss?
It’s not the fact that there are so many ads in Times Square that bothers me. It’s the fact that there are so many bad ones.
Presence without relevance is interruption.
If you say things like “first-party data environment ecosystems,” I have no idea what you’re talking about, and you probably don’t either.
If there’s a more dignified way to celebrate President’s Day than having the Mt. Rushmore heads yammer about bedding sales, I haven’t seen it.
No matter how many industries prove the folly of defending legacy models, there’s another that would rather fight to protect what it has than change.
Chief Revenue Officer implies your interest isn’t in developing creative marketing solutions so much as in snatching wallets.
While we’re on the topic, if your title takes up more than one line on your business card, you need a new title.
What the ad world needs now is another panel discussion. I’ll moderate.
If a TV network produces a morning show without a couch and weatherman (looking at you, CBS), I’m in.
The first presidential candidate who pledges to end the practice of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving gets my vote.
I don’t care much for the trend of using real people in commercials. They look too much like real people.
To summarize every lottery commercial: Why work hard to realize your dreams when you can pin your hopes on a get-rich-quick scheme?
Something is off in those Ford Edge ads with Derek Jeter. Oh yeah, I know. It’s Derek Jeter driving a Ford Edge.
Brands: Don’t ask people to follow, friend or like you unless you give them a reason why.
And once you do gather an audience, have something of value to share with them.
I appreciate good service, but must I really say “good morning” to more people than the Waltons every time I walk through a Four Seasons lobby?
The answer is neither content nor distribution. Consumer behavior is king.
Attention, Starbucks: You shouldn’t sell “New York-style” bagels in New York. You should sell New York bagels.
We need a version of the Do Not Call list for street-intercept marketing. A Do Not Talk to Me While Waving a Clipboard list.
If it claims to be iterative, scalable, dynamic, social and transmedia, it must be good.
Go to a conference. Sit in on a panel. Go out to the coffee area. The people there? They’re the ones you want to talk to.
Just including the word Twitter (Twitter) doesn’t make your presentation (Twitter) or company (unless it’s Twitter) more relevant (Twitter).
The battle over closing the window between theatrical and home release isn’t about the magic of the big screen. It’s about protecting popcorn sales.
Hey, Big Three Network: If you name your department Creativity & Innovation, choose a color scheme other than brown.
Congratulations, person who named Dress Barn. You are history’s worst marketer.