Twitter-ready insights on marketing follies

A picture is worth a thousand words, but not every one of my observations is worth a full column. Or so my editors tell me. Most, however, are worth at least 140 characters. With that in mind, and to help ring in 2012, I proudly present my Twitter-ready views, insights, unsolicited tidbits of advice and meaningless random thoughts on the absurdities of modern marketing.

  • If the USPS halts Saturday delivery, how will I fill weekend time now spent separating the bills I plan to pay online from the junk mail I’m going to toss?
  • It’s not the fact that there are so many ads in Times Square that bothers me. It’s the fact that there are so many bad ones.
  • Presence without relevance is interruption.
  • If you say things like “first-party data environment ecosystems,” I have no idea what you’re talking about, and you probably don’t either.
  • If there’s a more dignified way to celebrate President’s Day than having the Mt. Rushmore heads yammer about bedding sales, I haven’t seen it.
  • No matter how many industries prove the folly of defending legacy models, there’s another that would rather fight to protect what it has than change.
  • Chief Revenue Officer implies your interest isn’t in developing creative marketing solutions so much as in snatching wallets.
  • While we’re on the topic, if your title takes up more than one line on your business card, you need a new title.
  • What the ad world needs now is another panel discussion. I’ll moderate.
  • If a TV network produces a morning show without a couch and weatherman (looking at you, CBS), I’m in.
  • The first presidential candidate who pledges to end the practice of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving gets my vote.
  • I don’t care much for the trend of using real people in commercials. They look too much like real people.
  • To summarize every lottery commercial: Why work hard to realize your dreams when you can pin your hopes on a get-rich-quick scheme?
  • Something is off in those Ford Edge ads with Derek Jeter. Oh yeah, I know. It’s Derek Jeter driving a Ford Edge.
  • Brands: Don’t ask people to follow, friend or like you unless you give them a reason why.
  • And once you do gather an audience, have something of value to share with them.
  • I appreciate good service, but must I really say “good morning” to more people than the Waltons every time I walk through a Four Seasons lobby?
  • The answer is neither content nor distribution. Consumer behavior is king.
  • Attention, Starbucks: You shouldn’t sell “New York-style” bagels in New York. You should sell New York bagels.
  • We need a version of the Do Not Call list for street-intercept marketing. A Do Not Talk to Me While Waving a Clipboard list.
  • If it claims to be iterative, scalable, dynamic, social and transmedia, it must be good.
  • Go to a conference. Sit in on a panel. Go out to the coffee area. The people there?  They’re the ones you want to talk to.
  • Just including the word Twitter (Twitter) doesn’t make your presentation (Twitter) or company (unless it’s Twitter) more relevant (Twitter).
  • The battle over closing the window between theatrical and home release isn’t about the magic of the big screen. It’s about protecting popcorn sales.
  • Hey, Big Three Network: If you name your department Creativity & Innovation, choose a color scheme other than brown.
  • Congratulations, person who named Dress Barn. You are history’s worst marketer.

Here’s to the new year, with its tantalizing promise of countless absurdities. Cheers!

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